Samson (2018)

A strong contender for most poorly edited movie I've ever seen. Flies in the face of reason that this ever had a theatrical run. _Final rating:★ - Of no value. Avoid at all costs._

Samson is a Biblical drama that ironically appears to have been made by Philistines. The movie treats Samson as if he was an Israelite version of Hercules (which he may have very well been); sadly, the only Hercules director Bruce Macdonald seems to knows of is Kevin Sorbo's in The Legendary Journeys — to the point of giving him his own Iolaus (though Iolaus at least had an equivalent in Greek mythology). The year is "1170 BC" in "ancient Israel". I think the date alone would be enough to clue us in that we’re not in 'modern' Israel; on the other hand, considering that the establishing shot of “Israel” is a computer-generated image, perhaps the clarification is not as useless as it seems. We meet Samson (Taylor James) and his heretofore unheard of younger brother Caleb (Greg Kriek) stealing corn; caught in the act, they both flee from Philistine soldiers who, for some reason, stop chasing them once Samson and Caleb pass through the city gates — unfortunately, the film fails to have a Philistine soldier tell another: “Forget it, Jacob. It's Chinatown" (not as far-fetched as you may think; later there will be a direct reference to the Avengers’ Hulk). “Whispers of a Hebrew with great strength” reach the ears of the Philistine prince Rallah (Jackson Rathbone); he doesn't take them too seriously, but his father, King Balek (Billy Zane), orders him to investigate further, something Rallah does with no little reluctance (to paraphrase Iznogoud, Rallah wants to be King in place of the King). Rallah, listen to your friend Billy Zane, he’s a cool dude. Rallah recruits a Philistine giant (who calls the God of the Hebrews a “puny god”) to defeat Samson; Samson gets his ass handed to him at first, but when the Lord fills him with His spirit, Samson hulks up (that’s a reference to the other Hulk, mind you) and soon has the giant saying 'no más, no más'. From here on out the plot sticks more or less faithfully to the biblical account, with a small but peculiar departure wherein Samson has to be tricked into visiting a brothel; the Book of Judges says begs to differ, though: "Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her." Anyway, Samson is anointed Judge and travels to the Philistine capital to negotiate peace with Balek; his conditions are “reduce the tribute, return the harvest that is rightfully ours [or else] you will face the wrath of God.” In the film’s best line, Zane replies, with all the considerable sarcasm he can muster, "So you threaten me with natural phenomena, freakish acts, and the weather." Ha! In your face Samson! It almost makes me forget that Balek and Rallah are just as imaginary as Caleb-Iolaus — not that Samson or Delilah are historical figures, but almost; their story is so well known that you don't have to know your Bible to realize that this Samson is as much a caricature as the Simpsons' version of David and Goliath.